fundraising for an abortion access fund changed my life.

when Dr. Tiller was assassinated in May 2009, i had been on Twitter for about 7-8 months. i was already addicted and had been finding all sorts of really interesting tweeps. the news of his death hit Twitter and instantly i was enraged. i grew up pro-choice. my mother was a feminist and all about "your choice is your business. never let anyone decide how YOU feel." as a mother. she expressed horror at clinic bombing, assassination attempts (i vividly recall the previous shooting Dr. Tiller suffered from.) and general in your face bullshit from the "pro-life" movement.

i have never had an abortion. i was lucky, my mother had that sex talk young, i had no desire to go out and see what all the fuss was about and so i never put myself in a position to have unprotected sex. i've also never been sexually assaulted for which i am grateful every single day when i read stories of survivors. my mother is the reason i am who i am today. pro-choice, feisty, feminist and NEVER afraid to use my voice. especially that last one- using my voice. i use my voice to give voice to those who are afraid to use their own. fear, pain, suffering or even love keeps women from expressing themselves. using your voice means you are a troublemaker and a women who rocks the boat.

being on Twitter has changed my life, see previous blog about that whole story. Twitter brought out the dormant feminist activist, that feisty unafraid woman who tells it how i see it. i have tweeted some of the most admirable of women, fascinating ladies all of them. i could and probably should list them out, a feminist shout-out, a hollaback to all my favorites. just know, if i follow you- i fucking love your ass. famous, celebrity, Texan, comedian, old, young, mother, childfree, local, international. you are all fucking ball rocking amazing and awesome. yes, i love to use adjectives. sue me. at some point when i'm not lazy and packing for a whirlwind trip- i will call you all out one by one, name by name, woman and man.

i am coming up quick on a milestone birthday, the big and "dreaded" 40. i'm supposed to be grown-up or responsible or some shit like that. i decided that because i have so much i don't need or want anything for myself. i am blessed, grateful and better off than most. i decided, hey why don't i pick a "charity" and get motherfuckers to like donate and shit for it for me because i don't need gifts. my life is my gift.

i chose Lilith Fund. lilithfund.org is their website. I wanted something feminist, pro-choice, local and after reading about them- i just knew they were the ones. i made a page for Lilith Fund to fundraise off of and sent out a few tweets. i had decided on a goal of $400. i figured, hey 40 move it over one and you get 400. seemed a little lofty, a little inspirational so i picked it and made the page.

let me just say this... i have never in my whole fucking almost 40 years felt the feminist love like i have for this fundraiser. wow. WOW. i would get an email, burst into happy tears and my heart would feel like it was bursting out of my chest. see, my adjectives and cheesiness. i hit my goal about 2 weeks ago, thanks to a random (not anymore) tweep who saw a RT (retweet) and made the $50 donation that gave me that magic number. total strangers read my little page and supported my birthday wish.

this little fundraiser restored my hope for humanity. it changed my LIFE. i know now i am valued, loved, cared about and admired. people think i'm rad because i made a decision to give back and pay it forward. i feel like these women are like my family. i know i helped some woman make a choice that was best for her. all because i didn't want to wallow in being forty and my mom is dead.

thank you for donating to my birthday wish. thank you to every single person who dug deep in their pockets to make my heart happy. thank you to the National Network of Abortion Funds. thank you to Abortion Funds. most of all, thank you thank you thank you to those amazing women of Lilith Fund. you retweeted every tweet, cheered me on and made me feel like a rockstar. thank you for doing the work you do when i know some days you have no idea how you'll get out of bed and do it one more day.

thank you to my tweeps. you are all my fucking heroines. you are all my fucking favorite. i fucking love all of you. this is my love letter to my feminist and pro-choice tweeps. you make my heart beat love every single minute of my day in my life.

there isn't anything i love more than a Random Act of Kindness. the outpouring of support and give a shit for my Random Act of Kindness- wow. just fucking wow. thank you again.

xoxoxo

and this one time...

i have so many things i should blog about...my fundraiser being a rousing success, being on Twitter while i see these amazing prochoice feminists inspire my ass to be better, the fight for reproductive justice and freedom.  i should and i will. but first:

I AM GOING TO LOS ANGELES TO MEET SOME MOTHERFUCKING COOL ASS PEOPLE FROM SONS OF ANARCHY.

you read that shit right, Kurt Sutter- genius, decided to reward two loyal fans with an all expenses paid trip to LA for a little show love, a little meet & greet. thanks to the generosity of Mark, aka Twisted Shadow, inviting me- i get to be one of the very lucky few. i could write blog after blog about how Twitter changed my life, made me the woman i am today, turned my life around, gave me friends i'll consider so for the rest of my life but i'm going to say it again- i'm the luckiest motherfucking lady on the goddamn planet today. every day i wake up and i CHOOSE gratitude. i choose to find one thing, anything, something and i give thanks. from the heart thanks. it's a struggle and some days i do fail miserably at my task. i forget to remember the gratitude. not for long but it happens. sue me.

Sons of Anarchy is my all time favorite TV show. ever. The Wire? awesome. Twin Peaks? love that shit so hard. Homicide: Life on the Street? fuck yes all day long. Friends? Chandler is my dream dude. but Sons? there is something about this show that i cannot get enough of. the drama, the comedy, the psychotic motherfucking bullshit. more, more, more, give me more. i got sucked in just seeing the AD on a random late night in mid Aug of 2008. a biker show? cool. i'll probably check that shit out. i saw more ads, more commercials, a little teaser here and there. i hit up the Intarwebz (that's what us savvy hot bitches do.) and found SutterInk, Kurt Sutter's blog. i didn't discover Twitter at that point (damnit) but i was EXCITED. this show lived up to every TV expectation a TV addict like me wants in a show to live and call her very own.

i discovered Twitter roughly the same time i was halfway through the 1st SOA season. ooh, i can TWEET about this show? and people will read it? AWESOME. i tweeted, i found like minded motherfuckers and here we all are like 3 yrs later. i hit it off with Mark (@Twisted_Shadow) and we've been tweeps ever since. we don't just have SOA in common. when Sutter announced this fan thing, we both said to each other- hey if i win (yeah right hahahaa!) i'll take you.

well his ass won. and he kept his word on taking me. i'm grateful to him, his understanding wife and the whole Sons of Anarchy world. i can't believe i'm going to turn 40 a week after this whole amazing experience is going to take place. i can't wait. i firmly and truly believe that Sons of Anarchy fans are the BEST FANS EVER. i haven't been proven wrong yet.  i've made a friend in Mark for life- he's not just a tweep but he's a homie.

i expect i'll be dorking it up in LA to the hilarity of many people i've never met. i know that Kurt Sutter is notoriously socially uncomfortable so i hope i don't fuck it up. one of my BFFs upon receiving my news said "You are such a fucking goober. You will totally fuck this up." she's known me since 1982 so she seems fairly confident i will completely fucking goober it up and embarrass myself appropriately. we can only hope the cameras will catch it so the millions of fans can see me being me.

thanks again to Kurt Sutter, Sons of Anarchy, FX, The SOA tweeps, Myra & her husband (the other winner!), all my SOA tweeps and just twitter in fucking general. a special, special thank you and you rock to Mark M. (and his wife, Kimberly!!!!)  you are fucking awesome to give a dorky ass chick like me a spot at your side to experience this awesomeness up close. i'll never forget that, yo.

so yeah, going to LA to meet some SOA peeps and tweeps up close and personal. my mom would be so proud.

a Dear Big D letter of love and affection on this anniversary of my momma's passing...

Dear Big D;

today marks the 9th year since your beloved wife's passing from here to another place. two weeks shy of your 33rd wedding anniversary. i was 30, Sissy was almost 27, Poots was 8 1/2 and BooBoo was 2. you were almost  58. mom was forever "29".

i just want to publicly, for all to see and read, say how much i love you. i miss Mom every single day but i give thanks more than daily i still have YOU. you are my rock, my biggest supporter and you never give up on me. life without Mom is the hardest but knowing i'm not alone makes it the slightest bit easier. no matter how much we argue, disagree or even "fight" i know you will never stop loving me, supporting me and giving a shit.

i have the BEST DAD IN THE WHOLE FUCKING UNIVERSE. i want every single person who stumbles upon this random note to the Universe out there to know that. there is NO better father, dad, daddy and Big D ever. there is no competition, Big D is the hands down winner.

they don't make them like Big D anymore. my BFF Lisa Lisa always says that when we reminisce about "the old days" aka life in Cali when my mom was alive and we lived there. "your parents were one of a kind, Lola." she tells me. i believe that. my parents were two total opposites and yet they were each other's true loves. that is a rare thing under the best of circumstances. i wish they made more Big D's in the world. i hope a lot of my friend's sons turn out to be in the Big D mold. hard working, funny, sociable, big-hearted and able to fucking fix shit that breaks. :) i firmly have the belief there is not a thing my dad can't find some way to fix and if he can't fix it, he knows what's wrong with it at least.

so to my father, my dad, Big D- i just want to take this chance to let the whole fucking internet know you are the BEST. BEST BEST BEST. you might drive ME crazy because our personalities differ but there is no human being walking this Earth i feel is a better and more awesome one than you.

life with my mother is hard but family has always been the center of my life. i know that my momma is here with us in a Spirit form and she is our guardian angel. she looks out for us now like she always has before.

i love you, Big D. xoxoxo <3

(my parents in front of our house Thanksgiving 2000)

it's been a rough week with no end to drama and fuckery in sight. that's ok, i know i've been through much worse and that i can handle it. Friday is the 9th anniversary of my mom's passing from this world to the next. last year i was in such a different place both emotionally and mentally.

i see i can only do for myself. i can't change the past, i can't change anyone. i can only change myself, my reactions and the lessons i choose to learn from experience- both good & bad.

this week is a lesson in patience, understanding and realizing that even if someone doesn't like me doesn't mean i have to care or accept it. i know i must show up, do my best job and i succeed. i learned from the best so i take those lessons to heart today, this week, more than ever. patience hasn't been my strong suit so far and i know it's a skill i have to get and keep.

i miss my mother.

in 1 wk, it will be 9 years since my beloved momma passed from this world to the next plane. i believe she is my "guardian angel" of sorts, she watches over my family and she keeps on eye on us. i don't know how i've come so far in such a long time.

it feels like yesterday.

i will use this week to reflect on the way my momma raised me, what type of woman i am, what type of woman i will be remembered as by others. i hope for 1/10th of the love and respect she had during her life.

i miss my mother

i heart irony.

really. truly. deeply. madly.

yup yup. i heart irony.

i found an old, original copy of Starhawk's Spiral Dance today. this made my day.

i'm weary, my heart is heavy but i count all my blessings multiple times a day. i never forget who i am, where i come from and what i want from life. i have a heavy heart because i can't control things and that just drives me crazy. i'm worried for things and people. sigh.

Mercury in Retrograde is definitely fucking up with my shit and it's pissing me off. hahaha i gotta get a handle on it. deep breaths, Universe, i take deep breaths...

this week has been an emotional challenge but i'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. i can't wait for my days off so i can hit the gym in high gear, wash my new wheels (sidebar: SQUEE.) and get shit done around the house.

i've got big plans. big, awesome, ball rocking life changing plans. i can't wait.

i love that i can crank up the iPod, roll down the windows and drive to work with a gorgeous bay view. i get to work and get excited. i work with awesome people. i can't wait to see what life brings every day.

see? this is what happens when you don't act like a bitch ass trick and fuck over friends and backstab. you are rewarded with your Karma. a new amazing job, a new car and friends that continue to rock my socks and make my life full of love. my Karma has blessed me with real love beyond measure and true, lasting friendships with people who don't try to punk me out over a dude. people who don't use me as the means to an end, bitches who crow over their ill-gotten gains or spoils. now that's Karma. Karma really is golden. again, my life is shiny, bright, sunny and fucking better than certain people...i know i'm not sitting at home every night acting like uhhh...a drunk ass fool over a man. AHEM.

i'm off to drink my mocha coconut Frappucino, bask in my M@cbook that was a gift from an amazing human being and remember who i am, where i come from and love my entire life. the bad shit is a speed bump in the big, fun parking lot of life. some bitches are the big ass potholes next to the curb. right where their bitch asses belong...

day 1 of 3 days off. i ran errands and treated myself to lunch. i got Starbucks, i got to listen to The Civil Wars kick ass new CD Barton Hollow, i took a walk.

life is awesome. bitches can hate all they want. they can try as hard as they can to convince themselves of love, happiness and of being interesting. sadly, they aren't. desperate, sad, stupid, fat and ugly? definitely. i laugh, i honestly point and LAUGH.

a year ago, i was so in love i let a person who didn't deserve my friendship fool me into it. i thought that since she was his friend, she was my friend. i learned later- that's not true, never was true and she was a big, fat liar of epic proportions. i'm upset i wasted time, MONEY, energy and sympathy on a person of unsympathetic truth. she used me to gain closeness to the person i was in love with, was in love with me and whom i was happy with.

that's ok. i'm getting ready to take a huge, major, uplifting life step tomorrow. i will not only survive, i will TRIUMPH. i will end up higher, better and more happy than ever. a year ago was the opening of my heart to more love and happiness than i ever hoped could be my life. it was just the beginning- not an ending like i feared 6 months ago.

so take that, LRTCDD. what goes around, comes around. yes, yes Karma really is golden. my light shines brighter and more golden than any pathetic attempt you will ever gain or can ever pretend to hope for and strive towards. i will always be above you in all things.

i know the truth. unlike some people...i'm not afraid to be happy, love my life and accept my Karma. i know my light will forever shine.

days off are the best.

you gotta love the emotional roller coaster that life really end up being. new changes but i'm fucking excited. happy, happy, happy.

a year ago, i was the happiest girl in the world. i'm heartbroken but still happy. i never thought i'd still be here and not there and in love. oh well, i still choose happiness and gratitude. i haven't missed one minute of any of the amazing blessings.

i thought about writing a blog about Karma and shit but then i realized...nah, i'll leave it in suspense.

what goes around, comes around.

i have my rough days, like everyone else, but goddamn do i LOVE my life. when the going gets rough; i count my blessings. i have too many to enumerate. certain heartaches i am starting to accept for the gift and lesson they are. i will never stop caring or missing. i still miss WP and he'll be dead 10 years in less than 2 wks. The Universe provides me with a wonderful life and i thank Goddess every single day for it. i'm moving on to a new, exciting, interesting chapter of my amazing life. it can only go up from here. the view is pretty fucking fantastic. i don't live a life of fear or anger or bitterness. i have what i want and need, for the most part, and my life kicks ass. it all comes from within, i don't need another person to try to fill in my holes. i am happy being me. i don't need a false sense of love and relationship to pretend i have what i don't.

listening to the new Foo & i hear so many turns of phrase that resonate with me. don't waste change your mind, you're wasting light. you and what army. one of these days. the list goes on while i spend hours plugged in making myself healthy and strong.

my favorite: "and when you said i couldn't give you enough...i started giving you up."

i sure did.

i have a person in my life who makes me ridiculously happy. it makes me feel "schmoopy" for lack of better term. cheesy, dorky, silly are all elements of this feeling. i couldn't ask for a more roundabout way to start a friendship online, much less a relationship. i don't know where it's going but i know where i'm heading.

i believe in Karma. i believe in the simple precept that what goes around, comes around. some call it The Golden Rule : Do Unto Others As You Would Do Unto Them. it's a much older concept but i dig it. i have experienced life remembering to be grateful, thankful and acknowledgement of them. i count my blessings...of which this new relationship is high on the list.

some days i think, i don't have a job, much money or a car. i live with my dad, in a nice house, at 38 and most of my possessions reside in the garage. i'm healthy, loved by so many and i am happy. i don't need anything else...