fundraising for an abortion access fund changed my life.

when Dr. Tiller was assassinated in May 2009, i had been on Twitter for about 7-8 months. i was already addicted and had been finding all sorts of really interesting tweeps. the news of his death hit Twitter and instantly i was enraged. i grew up pro-choice. my mother was a feminist and all about "your choice is your business. never let anyone decide how YOU feel." as a mother. she expressed horror at clinic bombing, assassination attempts (i vividly recall the previous shooting Dr. Tiller suffered from.) and general in your face bullshit from the "pro-life" movement.

i have never had an abortion. i was lucky, my mother had that sex talk young, i had no desire to go out and see what all the fuss was about and so i never put myself in a position to have unprotected sex. i've also never been sexually assaulted for which i am grateful every single day when i read stories of survivors. my mother is the reason i am who i am today. pro-choice, feisty, feminist and NEVER afraid to use my voice. especially that last one- using my voice. i use my voice to give voice to those who are afraid to use their own. fear, pain, suffering or even love keeps women from expressing themselves. using your voice means you are a troublemaker and a women who rocks the boat.

being on Twitter has changed my life, see previous blog about that whole story. Twitter brought out the dormant feminist activist, that feisty unafraid woman who tells it how i see it. i have tweeted some of the most admirable of women, fascinating ladies all of them. i could and probably should list them out, a feminist shout-out, a hollaback to all my favorites. just know, if i follow you- i fucking love your ass. famous, celebrity, Texan, comedian, old, young, mother, childfree, local, international. you are all fucking ball rocking amazing and awesome. yes, i love to use adjectives. sue me. at some point when i'm not lazy and packing for a whirlwind trip- i will call you all out one by one, name by name, woman and man.

i am coming up quick on a milestone birthday, the big and "dreaded" 40. i'm supposed to be grown-up or responsible or some shit like that. i decided that because i have so much i don't need or want anything for myself. i am blessed, grateful and better off than most. i decided, hey why don't i pick a "charity" and get motherfuckers to like donate and shit for it for me because i don't need gifts. my life is my gift.

i chose Lilith Fund. lilithfund.org is their website. I wanted something feminist, pro-choice, local and after reading about them- i just knew they were the ones. i made a page for Lilith Fund to fundraise off of and sent out a few tweets. i had decided on a goal of $400. i figured, hey 40 move it over one and you get 400. seemed a little lofty, a little inspirational so i picked it and made the page.

let me just say this... i have never in my whole fucking almost 40 years felt the feminist love like i have for this fundraiser. wow. WOW. i would get an email, burst into happy tears and my heart would feel like it was bursting out of my chest. see, my adjectives and cheesiness. i hit my goal about 2 weeks ago, thanks to a random (not anymore) tweep who saw a RT (retweet) and made the $50 donation that gave me that magic number. total strangers read my little page and supported my birthday wish.

this little fundraiser restored my hope for humanity. it changed my LIFE. i know now i am valued, loved, cared about and admired. people think i'm rad because i made a decision to give back and pay it forward. i feel like these women are like my family. i know i helped some woman make a choice that was best for her. all because i didn't want to wallow in being forty and my mom is dead.

thank you for donating to my birthday wish. thank you to every single person who dug deep in their pockets to make my heart happy. thank you to the National Network of Abortion Funds. thank you to Abortion Funds. most of all, thank you thank you thank you to those amazing women of Lilith Fund. you retweeted every tweet, cheered me on and made me feel like a rockstar. thank you for doing the work you do when i know some days you have no idea how you'll get out of bed and do it one more day.

thank you to my tweeps. you are all my fucking heroines. you are all my fucking favorite. i fucking love all of you. this is my love letter to my feminist and pro-choice tweeps. you make my heart beat love every single minute of my day in my life.

there isn't anything i love more than a Random Act of Kindness. the outpouring of support and give a shit for my Random Act of Kindness- wow. just fucking wow. thank you again.

xoxoxo

my birthday wish.

i'm doing 2 different fundraisers for my upcoming 40th birthday. i turn The Big 4-0 on Nov. 20th and i want to raise at least $400 for each of them. i know we can do this.

Lilith Fund Birthday Wish!

Heifer International Birthday Wish!

the first is a local prochoice abortion fund that provides low-income women with the funds needed to help with their choice.

the 2nd is for the AWESOME Heifer organization. they provide support & help for women and their children & villages. they help women help themselves.

my mom was all about helping those learn to help themselves. i take her belief in social activism, social justice, love & compassion with me on my life's journey. i am going to be 40. i want to celebrate not just my life but LIFE. i am grateful to be ALIVE and happy.

please, please reblog, repost, retweet, post to FB or whatever other social media you can. send it via text, email or by fucking smoke signal. i want to blow this fundraiser out of the water, i want to exceed my every wildest insane dream i could think of for this 40th birthday wish.

i love my life. i love my mom. i love being prochoice.

LET'S FUCKING DO THIS!!!

a Dear Big D letter of love and affection on this anniversary of my momma's passing...

Dear Big D;

today marks the 9th year since your beloved wife's passing from here to another place. two weeks shy of your 33rd wedding anniversary. i was 30, Sissy was almost 27, Poots was 8 1/2 and BooBoo was 2. you were almost  58. mom was forever "29".

i just want to publicly, for all to see and read, say how much i love you. i miss Mom every single day but i give thanks more than daily i still have YOU. you are my rock, my biggest supporter and you never give up on me. life without Mom is the hardest but knowing i'm not alone makes it the slightest bit easier. no matter how much we argue, disagree or even "fight" i know you will never stop loving me, supporting me and giving a shit.

i have the BEST DAD IN THE WHOLE FUCKING UNIVERSE. i want every single person who stumbles upon this random note to the Universe out there to know that. there is NO better father, dad, daddy and Big D ever. there is no competition, Big D is the hands down winner.

they don't make them like Big D anymore. my BFF Lisa Lisa always says that when we reminisce about "the old days" aka life in Cali when my mom was alive and we lived there. "your parents were one of a kind, Lola." she tells me. i believe that. my parents were two total opposites and yet they were each other's true loves. that is a rare thing under the best of circumstances. i wish they made more Big D's in the world. i hope a lot of my friend's sons turn out to be in the Big D mold. hard working, funny, sociable, big-hearted and able to fucking fix shit that breaks. :) i firmly have the belief there is not a thing my dad can't find some way to fix and if he can't fix it, he knows what's wrong with it at least.

so to my father, my dad, Big D- i just want to take this chance to let the whole fucking internet know you are the BEST. BEST BEST BEST. you might drive ME crazy because our personalities differ but there is no human being walking this Earth i feel is a better and more awesome one than you.

life with my mother is hard but family has always been the center of my life. i know that my momma is here with us in a Spirit form and she is our guardian angel. she looks out for us now like she always has before.

i love you, Big D. xoxoxo <3

(my parents in front of our house Thanksgiving 2000)

it's been a rough week with no end to drama and fuckery in sight. that's ok, i know i've been through much worse and that i can handle it. Friday is the 9th anniversary of my mom's passing from this world to the next. last year i was in such a different place both emotionally and mentally.

i see i can only do for myself. i can't change the past, i can't change anyone. i can only change myself, my reactions and the lessons i choose to learn from experience- both good & bad.

this week is a lesson in patience, understanding and realizing that even if someone doesn't like me doesn't mean i have to care or accept it. i know i must show up, do my best job and i succeed. i learned from the best so i take those lessons to heart today, this week, more than ever. patience hasn't been my strong suit so far and i know it's a skill i have to get and keep.

i miss my mother.

in 1 wk, it will be 9 years since my beloved momma passed from this world to the next plane. i believe she is my "guardian angel" of sorts, she watches over my family and she keeps on eye on us. i don't know how i've come so far in such a long time.

it feels like yesterday.

i will use this week to reflect on the way my momma raised me, what type of woman i am, what type of woman i will be remembered as by others. i hope for 1/10th of the love and respect she had during her life.

i miss my mother

i found an old, original copy of Starhawk's Spiral Dance today. this made my day.

i'm weary, my heart is heavy but i count all my blessings multiple times a day. i never forget who i am, where i come from and what i want from life. i have a heavy heart because i can't control things and that just drives me crazy. i'm worried for things and people. sigh.

Mercury in Retrograde is definitely fucking up with my shit and it's pissing me off. hahaha i gotta get a handle on it. deep breaths, Universe, i take deep breaths...

there is nothing better than family. i love my family. my dad, my sister and her kids are everything to me. i miss my mom, she was the glue that held all of us together when shit went down.

shit's going down and it ain't gonna be pretty or easy. we come out ahead because that is who we are and that's just what we do.

i love the people i choose to let into my life, family or friends. i'm thankful i have friends who are my family, by choice, by a need to belong, people who are my tribe.

i'll never give that or them up. i'll never back down and i'll never back out. i fight til the end. believe that shit.

you fuck with my people, you fuck with me. you don't want to fuck with me. really. you don't want to do it. i have love, faith and truth on my side. we will win and overcome.

my mother would rise from the grave if she could to make sure this fuckery does not stand. well, she's no longer here for it to be so. i will make sure it doesn't happen except on the side of us, the side of right.

believe that, you sonofabitch motherfucking asshole. trust.

day 1 of 3 days off. i ran errands and treated myself to lunch. i got Starbucks, i got to listen to The Civil Wars kick ass new CD Barton Hollow, i took a walk.

life is awesome. bitches can hate all they want. they can try as hard as they can to convince themselves of love, happiness and of being interesting. sadly, they aren't. desperate, sad, stupid, fat and ugly? definitely. i laugh, i honestly point and LAUGH.

a year ago, i was so in love i let a person who didn't deserve my friendship fool me into it. i thought that since she was his friend, she was my friend. i learned later- that's not true, never was true and she was a big, fat liar of epic proportions. i'm upset i wasted time, MONEY, energy and sympathy on a person of unsympathetic truth. she used me to gain closeness to the person i was in love with, was in love with me and whom i was happy with.

that's ok. i'm getting ready to take a huge, major, uplifting life step tomorrow. i will not only survive, i will TRIUMPH. i will end up higher, better and more happy than ever. a year ago was the opening of my heart to more love and happiness than i ever hoped could be my life. it was just the beginning- not an ending like i feared 6 months ago.

so take that, LRTCDD. what goes around, comes around. yes, yes Karma really is golden. my light shines brighter and more golden than any pathetic attempt you will ever gain or can ever pretend to hope for and strive towards. i will always be above you in all things.

i know the truth. unlike some people...i'm not afraid to be happy, love my life and accept my Karma. i know my light will forever shine.

*waves to her Super Deluxe lame stalkers*

nothing to see here. i'm getting it going, working it out and making life happen. i feel free lately. i'm always going to shine and be a better person. WWLD is a new life mantra. i miss my mother. i love my family. i have amazing friends. i am remembering how blessed i am and my life rocks.

hate on, haters. i use it to drive me forward and keep my light shining brighter, longer, harder and better. i can live with, learn from and take my Karma i might have coming. if i've earned it, i'll accept it. i know what i am not, who i am not and i know there's much i haven't ever done...