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Monday, October 04, 2010

i am strong-willed. i am also stubborn, bitchy and opinionated. some of of the thought that all of these things together are a bad combination. i don't care. i am who i am, no apologies.

i am loyal to a fault. when you are part of my life- you are part of my life. good, bad and ugly. it only ends with death (not even then) or betrayal. i say it like i see it and i pull no punches. i tell you what you don't want to hear. hell, i tell you what you don't want to know. hurt feelings, bruised egos and tears are part of that. i don't walk away easily but i will do it if i have to and i will bear a grudge about it. i am the truth that you don't think you can handle but Karma dishes out. i make apologies when it's deserved, not because it's the politically correct thing to do.

i am a double Scorpio, raised by a strong Aries woman, in a bad neighborhood. i survived without jail time, having kids or ending up beat down by a man. i take pride in that. i am my own woman. my mother taught me from a very young age to never back down, never give up and never walk away unless you were sure. she was much more forgiving than i am, i strive to change that.

i am never going to sit by "nicely" and keep my good-girl mouth shut. good or bad- i gotta say it. i have a lot of Sagittarius in my birth chart, it tends to represent a type of communicator that lacks in finesse but never lacks for honesty or truth. my Jupiter is in Sagittarius, it's ruling planet. i think i will give up or change or some other fucking stupid idea and i never do. all the people who scoff at astrology, well....whatever. i know what i know.

i come from a family of "yellers". we were free to express our anger. i was never allowed to just yell AT my parents, but i was allowed to yell. that's just kinda who we are and it's probably not the healthiest of dysfunctions. very little went unsaid in my childhood, very little wasn't spoken of, very few secrets. we had our boundaries, my parents never invaded my privacy or sense of "personal space" but secrets were rare for my family unit. if you had a problem? we all knew. whether you wanted to care or not.

i like to face life's little fuckery moments up front and head-on. i like to get it out, talk about it, work it out and go from there. i don't want to hold onto shit, bad feelings, stupid fuckery and things that just hold me back in life. i am slowing learning to let go. but i gotta have my mad. i gotta be mad, have my fucking "moment" and then be left to sort it out, process it and try to let it go. at least, find a place for it to be filed until further fucking notice. i like to yell, i'll never deny that.

when my mom died, many of the people at her funeral were ones who had only known her in the short time she lived in Texas. family, of course, is a different story, but on the whole- it was shorter term friends who came to pay respects. they all had positive, funny and touching things to say. most often i heard was how "unique" my mom was, that they'd "never met anyone like your mom" and that "she was a real ballbuster". yes, someone said that at my mom's funeral. my mom was strong-willed too.

ain't a fucking thing wrong with that. i'll take my personality, bitchy as i can be, over someone who acts nice to your face and stabs you in the back. i'd rather you KNOW it's me stabbing you, right in your lying face. i do not suffer fools gladly. i was raised up right, politeness and manners have their place but i don't ever want to be called "nice". nice and good aren't interchangeable, they do not mean the same thing. it gets old explaining the difference to people. i'm a good person but i ain't ever gonna be "nice". not one single person at my mom's funeral said she was NICE. not one single person had a bad or negative thing to say about my mom.

that's the shit i think about when someone tells me to be nice. nice is for mealy-mouthed sheeple who can't think on their own. American Idol, Jersey Shore and Real Housewives are where they get their thinking from. no thanks, i'll be a good person who's a ball-breaker and tells the TRUTH. i sure as fucking hell ain't perfect, never will be, never want to be but i sure as hell am going to be ME. remember, nice and good ain't the same motherfucking thing- that's why they have different definitions in the fucking dictionary.


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