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Thursday, September 16, 2010

my mother was amazing. she was incredibly smart, witty as all get out and full of hilarious euphemisms that i use daily. i live my life by the credo (as coined by my girl Lisa Lisa) "What Would Linda Do?" b/c even though she has been gone for 8 long years, she is part of my everyday life.

my mother died of lung cancer in September of 2002. she didn't suffer much or long but smoking is what really killed her. the hardest part is seeing the most unique and vibrant personality you know as an invalid, baby bird in the bed. my mother had a one-of-a-kind personality. the thing i most vividly remember from her funeral (which was on Friday the 13th, a touch of the absurd we knew she appreciated.) is that every single person said, "your mother was a kick!" or "your mother was so interesting" or my favorite, "your mother was the most unique person i've ever met."

you know, when i die, i can only DREAM that anyone, much less most everyone, will speak those words about me and my life. my mom lived her life for herself. she never made any apologies for her choices, she never took a moment of shit off anyone and she had the most FORGIVING heart of all. she gave anyone, everyone, whomever a second chance. she knew they deserved even if they themselves weren't aware of it. she never walked away unless she really, truly meant it. my mother was not a woman of small actions. when she was pissed, and run seemed to be an effective means of cover as a child. she would give the coldest of shoulders....she would "have her moment" and was like the light parting through the clouds. she was fine, you were forgiven (but don't you fucking THINK of doing that shit again.) and she was back to living life.

i spent my childhood in a happy, living bubble of warm memories. i had that classic cheesy, 50s TV type childhood. my mom baked, made dinner and kept a clean, neat house. well....mostly clean. hoo boy, we did try her patience. my mom grew up poor, the middle child, girl no less, in a family where the woman cooked and cleaned. she left home as soon as she graduated and never looked back. it was 1965. that's some brave ass shit for a girl from the poor, backwoods of swampy mid-Florida. we went back, once, for a family funeral and they were STILL talking about my momma "done up and left at 18" and hadn't really ever been back.

i feel like i have all these amazing stories about my mother. i feel her story needs to be told, finally, after all these years. i want young girls to be INSPIRED by her. i don't have a single friend who doesn't honor my mom somehow, some way. even the friends who've never met her, much less me. it's like so much of who i am as a woman comes from her strong, steady (and CLAMMY) hands as she pushed me through my life.

my mother died during my "Great Saturn Return" the year i turned 30. 2002 was an all around sucky year with few bright moments. i said goodbye to my mother with a heart of gratitude that she was 55, i was 30 and i had NO REGRETS. good, bad, indifferent, there were NONE. she knew, i knew and we both loved each other unconditionally. i give thanks to Deity every single day for that blessing alone. there are occasions in my bumpy road through life it's the only one i feel i can come up with for myself.

i see women all around me who are catty, jealous and vapid. they have no sense of sisterhood, of womanhood, of pride in being a WOMAN. they care about how they look, who thinks they're pretty and how much they weigh. i thank Goddess every day i'm not that woman, my mother was my role model and she was amazing.

it's days like today i deeply miss her "bad attitude". her whole "oh fuck them. who gives a shit what they say?" attitude. maybe i should make up t-shirts to remind myself.


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